Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize