genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
