Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
