This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
