I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
