Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
