New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
