Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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