I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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