I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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