It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
