i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
