the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
