Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
