hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
