Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
