Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
