she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
