Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
