I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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