I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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