Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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