You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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