Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
