My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
