what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
