Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
