the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
