how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize