theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
