I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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