i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
