my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize