He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
