Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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