If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
