if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
