how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize