dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
tell me about the eggs
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
