Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
