I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
And then he peed in my hair
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