It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
