thus making me awesome and them whores
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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