Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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