this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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