Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This is classic penis vs brain.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
