I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
