I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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