I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
