One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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