I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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