we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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