Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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