I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
