I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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