After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
