She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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