This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
