So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wish my penis had an off switch
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
