I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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