She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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